Questions to ask before marriage
The conversations worth having before you say yes.
Love is rarely what ends a marriage. The quiet mismatches do: money, kids, whose family you spend the holidays with, what you each assumed was obvious.
These are the conversations worth having before the wedding, not after. Sorted by topic so you can take them one honest night at a time.
Before marriage / Money and how you will handle it
How do you want to split money once we are married, separate, joint, or a mix?
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Money and how you will handle it
- 1How do you want to split money once we are married, separate, joint, or a mix?
- 2How much debt are you bringing into this marriage?
- 3How do you want us to split who pays for what once we are married?
- 4How do you want to handle it if one of us earns much more?
- 5What does financial cheating look like to you?
- 6How involved do you want our families to be in our finances?
- 7What is the biggest purchase you make without asking me first?
- 8How do you want us to save for the things that matter most?
- 9How closely do you want to track our spending together?
- 10Do you want a prenup, or does the idea offend you?
- 11How much say should I have in how you spend your own income?
- 12What is your instinct when money is tight, save harder or earn more?
- 13How do you want to handle supporting our parents financially if they need it?
- 14What money habit of mine would you want me to change before we marry?
Kids and family
- 15Do you want kids at all, or are you still not sure?
- 16How soon after the wedding do you want to start trying?
- 17What number of kids feels right to you?
- 18What is your instinct on discipline, strict or easygoing?
- 19Do you expect me to stay home if we have kids?
- 20How much say do your parents get in how we raise our kids?
- 21What is a parenting habit from your childhood you refuse to repeat?
- 22How do you want to handle it if we cannot have biological kids?
- 23Are you open to adoption or fostering if our plans change?
- 24What role do you want your parents to play in our kids' lives?
- 25How do you want us to split the load once a baby arrives?
- 26What last name do you want our kids to carry?
- 27How do you want to handle it if one of us wants more kids than the other?
- 28How much of your own family's pattern do you want to repeat with ours?
Conflict and communication
- 29How do you want me to approach you when something is bothering me?
- 30Do you shut down or speak up when we disagree?
- 31What do you need from me in the middle of a fight?
- 32How long do you need before you are ready to talk again?
- 33What is the meanest thing you are tempted to say when we fight?
- 34Are you open to couples counseling before we need it, not after?
- 35How do you want us to handle it when your family criticizes me?
- 36Do you forgive quickly, or does it take you a while to let go?
- 37What topic do you avoid bringing up because it always turns into a fight?
- 38How do you want me to tell you when you have hurt me?
- 39Do you want the last word, or do you want the fight to end?
- 40How honest can I be with you before it feels like too much?
- 41What does an apology need to include before you actually accept it?
- 42How do you want us to handle a disagreement neither of us will drop?
Values, faith, and beliefs
- 43How important is religion or faith in the life you want us to build?
- 44Do you want our kids raised in a specific faith, or none at all?
- 45What would make you lose respect for me?
- 46How much do our political differences actually worry you?
- 47What value of mine do you secretly think is wrong?
- 48How do you want us to handle it if my beliefs change over time?
- 49What is a belief of yours that you would never compromise on?
- 50How much does my family's faith or lack of it matter to you?
- 51What do you consider unforgivable?
- 52How do you want us to give back once we can afford to?
- 53What is one value you hope I never talk you out of?
- 54Do you believe people can fully change, or only manage themselves better?
Careers and ambition
- 55Whose career do you think should take priority if we can only support one?
- 56Would you relocate for my career if it meant leaving your life behind?
- 57How much does my ambition need to match yours?
- 58What does success actually look like to you in ten years?
- 59How do you want us to handle it if my income passes yours?
- 60Are you willing to support us while I go back to school?
- 61How many hours of work in a week is too many for you?
- 62What would you want me to say if you need to quit and rest?
- 63How do you feel about working for the same company as me?
- 64What risk are you willing to take on a business idea of mine?
- 65How do you want us to handle a job that demands you travel constantly?
- 66At what point do you think a career crosses from ambition into avoidance?
Deal breakers and boundaries
- 67What would actually make you leave this relationship?
- 68Where is the line between flirting and cheating for you?
- 69Is there anything about my past that would change how you see me?
- 70How much access to your phone do you expect me to have?
- 71Are you okay with me staying friends with an ex?
- 72What habit of mine would become a dealbreaker for you if it got worse?
- 73How much say do you want over who I spend time with?
- 74What is a boundary with your family you need me to respect?
- 75How would you handle it if I struggled with addiction one day?
- 76What would you never forgive me for?
- 77What is something I do that you have never told me bothers you?
- 78How much of your privacy do you expect to keep once we marry?
Everyday life together
- 79Which chores do you refuse to do once we live together for good?
- 80How clean do you actually need our home to be?
- 81Whose holidays do you expect us to default to when we cannot do both?
- 82How much alone time do you need in an average week?
- 83Do you expect me to carry the mental load of remembering what the house needs?
- 84How do you want us to handle it if we disagree about having a pet?
- 85How often do you want your friends around once we are married?
- 86What does a perfect ordinary Sunday with me actually look like to you?
- 87How do you want us to decide whose city we live in?
- 88What small daily habit of mine would drive you crazy to live with?
